who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
