i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
