Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
