I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
