Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
