the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
