I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
