let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
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