just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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