I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
