I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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