what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
