He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
