but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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