listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
