Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
