Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
