it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
