the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
