Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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