my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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