Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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