my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
