come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
