I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I faked an abortion last night.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
In America we eat man semen.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
