When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
