At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Vodka?
Forever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
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