Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
