did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
