Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
