yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
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Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
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I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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