The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why is your signature on my underwear?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
