The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm both gender and math confused
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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