I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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