Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
