mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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