I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
