I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
