ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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