Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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