I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
