He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
