dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
