I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
