I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
