I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
