I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
