matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
