Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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