Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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