My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
