Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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