I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
