I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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