This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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