Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
