pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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