I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
