If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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