There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
