She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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