i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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