As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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