You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
