I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
