The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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