Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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